Amusing Quotes

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Killer DM

Today, I was told that I had a reputation as a killer-DM.

I would like to take this moment to speak out against this un-earned reputation. Examples of events that have happened in my games where a PC died or was turned into an NPC:

  • A character took off all his armor and wielded level-inappropriate weapons to fight a fully-armed and armored fighter of equal level in solo combat. Even when the character saw that he couldn't win, he didn't run away (which he could have done successfully with the fighter only able to move 20' versus his 30').
  • A character, after witnessing a lich being bathed in a largeshadow-flame from which it was difficultly coaxed out of decided toreach into the vortex of pure negative evil and was struck dead from 20d6 negative energy damage.
  • A character cast a fireball at Death, who was very peaceful and on vacation. 'Nuff said.
  • A group of adventurers, after having defeated the main boss of a dungeon and completing their objective decided to explore the rest of the dungeon while low on health and out of spells. They stumbled into a pair of ogre zombies and were executed.
  • A character, drunk on the possibility of power, formed an agreement with a vampire to slay priests of a local temple. He employed a local stable boy to deliver a note with Explosive Runes cast on it to the temple. A priest opened the note on the spot, killing both the priest and the stable boy. Unfortunately for the character, temples usually have access to

I don't kill PCs; foolish players kill PCs.


Odd Numbered Rules

Pete: Will hp be 1/2+1+con or will they be handled differently?
Beck: I had that rule typed and deleted several times in an e-mail, but left it out for it being an assumption of my campaigns.  :)
Pete: odd-numbered rules (with or without 11)
Beck: Always with number 11, of course.

All odd-numbered rules are "Make no assumptions" except for rule 11, which is "Kick Rick in the teeth."

Knowledge Skills

Good: Wizards should have all knowledge [skills]. D&D 101.
Pete: Knowledge [skills] don't matter in a Beck campaign anyways. Reality 101.

Savage Species

Anthropomorphic Baleen Whale: DENIED!

I <3 Clerics

In other news, Zen Archery was granted to the cleric. That's correct, your healer who uses touch spells to heal will be fighting at range.

For the Team

We don't need broken characters, we just need to not dick each other over. Make group decisions and avoid bickering.

Fear Organized Humanoids

The hobgoblin's hammer crashes into a gong, its sound reverbarating throughout the halls.


Pete, to the DM: Sometimes at night, I dream about peeing in your mouth.

PC Info

Forshantir Dreams

wardac: You are giving me a +5 Keen Flaming Burst Dwarven Waraxe, right?
beckmd: In your Forshantir Dreams.

Pete Giving Away Loot

ferrispc: As a neutral good cleric of a lawful good deity (Heironeous), I find it totally unacceptable that any of us should profit from this while the people of Dormantown and Shorn have suffered so much. I will donate my share of the treasure to the people of Dormantown and Shorn as a meager effort to atone for the sins unleashed upon them by previous adventurers.

Bisquick wanting to become a wizard

beckmd: Natural 20
wardac: confirm, confirm that shit, crit me mother fucker... crit that shit motherfucker!

Beck sending over leveled encounters at us

ohlrj: I hate it when he does that, you know he has wood right now

Rick making promises he can't keep

ohlrj: (6:12 PM) For repairing my bow, I'm not going call you an asshat all night.

Kladunk Battlemaster (Fighter) on trapfinding duty

Should I stomp again? Maybe I failed my stomp check.

On Languages

Beck: Do you speak Orcish?
Biscuit: I speak Spanish.

DM Drinking is Good

wardtd: I was thinking they were trying to make some kind golem
beckmd: Oh man! I gotta write that down!

beckmd: It takes 30 babies to make a baby golem, and like two weeks

beckmd: Watch out for their vomit attack

beckmd: If you use at least 40 babies, you get the wailing babies special attack

wardtd: What would you do with one baby golem? I feel like you'd need more
beckmd: There are currently strict golem population control laws. Only one baby golem per couple.

wardtd: How does a baby golem stack up to other golems?
beckmd: It would beat the pants off an iron golem. A flesh golem takes any kind of flesh; orc flesh, people flesh, but baby golems are much more powerful.The manual is full of dead baby jokes. If you cast silence on it it goes berserk, if you cast earthquake on it it gets the don't shake the baby attack. It also has a 5% chance of dying of SIDS every round.
scottbp: You have to watch out for its Cloudkill attack.

beckmd: The Order of Night's Breath has been stealing babies. At first, we thought they were making a baby golem, but now we're not so sure.

Fun With Slang

goodmp: I was looking at a page of noir phrases, and women's legs are "Gateway Sticks"

Rick on Cocks

Rick: That's actually not a bad looking cock.

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